rayxposed

I woke up this morning and immediately talked down to myself for not having a post ready for today. You know what I say, “New post up today and every Monday.” I felt like I failed. My friend reminded me, “Even mental health bloggers deserve a mental health day.” She’s absolutely right. I honestly have no fear of sharing this because there is no better group of people to explain this to – YOU ALL UNDERSTAND! Have you ever felt like your funks come at the worst of times? I spent this weekend celebrating my 25^th birthday with my family. Surrounded by them all, spoiled with love, I had no reason to feel down, but I did. I felt lonely. I felt happy, but the kind of happy that you learn to be okay with because it’s as happy as you are capable of getting at this time. I knew I could be happier and the tease of it just dangles on a thread in front of me. It begins to feel like I’m just there, existing for the sole purpose of passing time. Those of you familiar with the downward spiral, you know where I’m coming from. I tank, as I call it, like this every week, sometimes more than once, but never less. It’s so easy to feel hopeless when you realize that you will always live this way. I will never break free of this, there will always be an episode waiting to steal my joy and place me in a rut. I will spend so many days carrying on settling for a happiness that I can’t seem to surpass, feeling lonely when I’m surrounded by loved ones, feeling guilt and hatred towards myself for living this way. I typically spend Sundays reflecting on my week and finalizing one of my posts for the following Monday, but this is where I am right now and I need a mental health day. I would like to wait until I’m able to post something that I’m proud of and that will be resourceful for you, something relatable.

My boyfriend reminded me of some sweet truth, “It may not be completely gone, but it can always get better.” This time last year, suicidal thoughts were just a thing that happened every day, something I became numb to until it happened less and less. Right now, I tank as little as once a week. There has been so much progress, and he is right! I am strong and I am always progressing (even when it doesn’t feel so) and look forward to lessening my episodes, or at least the severity of them continually. Until next week, take care!